What is intimacy?
For many people intimacy means only sex.
But what if I told you that for sex, intimacy is just a small part of it and that for a healthy relationship you need to understand the whole consept of intimacy.
Intimacy = ” Into Me See”
Healthline.com writes about intimacy in this way.
” Intimacy is closeness between people in personal relationships. It’s what builds over time as you connect with someone, grow to care about each other, and feel more and more comfortable during your time together. It can include physical or emotional closeness, or even a mix of the two.”
There are several types and styles of intimacy and I will discuss them in this blog.
Emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy involves honest, authentic sharing of thoughts and feelings. It involves being able to tell each other your deepest fears, dreams, disappointments, and most complicated emotions, as well as feeling seen and understood when you do. Emotional intimacy means both you and your partner feel safe and comfortable with this type of uninhibited expression around each other. We expect that the person we trust will not embarrass or belittle us and understands that these things are meant only for them, not to be shared with others or in public.
How to increase Emotional intimacy?
– Ask your partner thoughtful questions and be curious about the way they think and feel.You maybe suprised to hear things that you never have known before and things about their personality, values, ideas about life and what’s really going on with them.
– Listen to understand rather than waiting to respond. Take time to truly understand what they are saying. You can talk about your own personal stuff on your turn.
-Always be careful not to invalidate their feelings, so that you can establish an environment conducive to open, honest dialogue. Many people only want and need to be seen and heard. For many of us it’s enough when someone is just there for us. We might not want or need any solutions to our problems, we just need comfort and safe place to fix ourselves, to go through our emotional process by speaking it outloud.
Intellectual intimacy
Comfort with communicating beliefs and viewpoints without worrying about potential conflicts creates intellectual intimacy. Each person in the relationship has the freedom to think for themselves and believes that their opinions are valued—instead of feeling pressured to agree. This atmosphere encourages stimulating conversation. You feel closer to the person who cares for you independent of differences and respects your voice.
Have you ever had someone mocking your beliefs and questioning your reasoning all the time? In a relationship that is really harmful in so many ways and it’s one sure way to destroy the relationship to its core.
Why so? Well, because it breaks a person’s self esteem little by little and they get scared raising their opinion and thoughts in a relationship. This is very emotionally abusive.
If the other person needs to be always right about any given subject and put their own values on top of the other person making them feel small and stupid, then there is no space for intellectual intimacy to thrive.
How to create safe space for intellectual intimacy?
You can create more intellectual intimacy by sparking up conversations where you and your partner have different perspectives. Make a conscious effort to have these talks without growing defensive or angry. Disagreement isn’t a requirement, however. You can also discuss ideas and abstract concepts that you’re exploring together. This type of intimacy is about connecting through logic and philosophical expression.Having these discussions will make a huge difference in the long run and will keep you connected to the person.
Experiential intimacy
Shared experiences lead to inside jokes and private memories that can intensify a connection. The act of teamwork and moving in unison toward a common goal while creating an experience also establishes a feeling of closeness. This bond is the result of experiential intimacy.Sharing life in general is the most important way to keep the connection alive. Sharing the same interests or supporting your companions interests are a good way of bonding.
It does not mean that you need to share everything with them, but it’s healthy to take interest and know about the things your partner is into and support them.
Very common advice from a relationship coach like me is to share a hobby together that you both enjoy and start to do that on a regular basis.
Non-sexual intimacy.
We humans are basic primates that need grooming and caring also in a non-sexual way. As the song says ”Show a little tenderness” goes miles away.
Picture this
You have worked a 10 hour shift , your eyes are just standing in your skull, a mild headache is pounding in your brain, your whole existence feels drained. You are hungry, you are so tired that you would like to cry. You come home. Your partner sees the state that you are in. Without a word, they give you their spot on the couch. start to heat up dinner, they serve it to you on the couch and let you eat in peace. After that they give you your favorite pajamas or whatever and take your head on to their lap while you just relax and do nothing. They stroke your hair and shoulders untill you fall asleep. When it´s time to go to bed, they´ll wake you up gently and take you to bed.
Would commercing sex in this situation be a good idea or would you enjoy only this way of showing love and affection to your spousse?
In order to learn intimacy you need to have these things.
– Emotional intelligence
– Good sense of timing.
– The need to be close to the person and loving the other person enough to be curious about them.
– Wanting to build a strong and honest relationship.
So when your partner is complaining about lack of intimacy. They are not talking about sex, they are talking about these things.
And if your sexlife is in a bad situation, you need to fix these things in order to fix your sexlife.
Without Non-sexual intimacy, it is hard to have sexual intimacy.
