Sexual Coercion

Sexual Coercion.

Sexual coercion falls under the broad umbrella of sexual assault, as does rape.

We would like to think that Sexual Coercion is something new in human behavior, marketed to specific type of young people to ”get a head in the dating world.” We call it Red Pill Content, it belongs heavely to rape culture specific teachings. Where they teach different manipulation tactics, coercive ”pressuring” techniques, threatening behavior, sometimes escalating to violence, although this is never said out loud or straightforwardly encouraged. Usually the idea of this behavior is to make the other person more compliant, be scared enough or worn down enough to give in to the demands of the other person.

Sadly, we as the older generation know that this is nothing new. This is not a gender issue, although the majority of Sexual Coercion cases the sex of the person who is doing it, is usually male. But people of all sexes, ages and sexual orientations do this, although Cis-hetero males are overrepresented in this area. This has been seen in different studies from different countries and criminal cases.

What is coercion, exactly?

Coercion describes any attempt to control your behavior with threats or manipulation.

Sexual coercion, then, happens when someone won’t accept “no” and continues to try to convince you to change your mind about engaging in sexual activity.

In this blog post, we’re using “sex” as shorthand to describe any and all forms of sexual contact or activity. There is no one definition of sex, and what’s considered to be sex varies from person to person.

For example, this might include:

• kissing, licking, or sucking
• touching, rubbing, or grinding
• fingering or stroking
• cunnilingus or fellatio
• vaginal or anal penetration

Once you turn down sex, the story should stop there. In cases of Coercion this never happens.

Common Coercion tactics include:

• quilt tripping
• making threats
• emotional blackmail
• Looping the conversation in sexual related topics
• Nagging / begging/ pestering
• Touching without consent and not stopping
• giving you drugs or alcohol with a goal of lowering your inhibitions

Coercion typically remains in the realm of verbal and emotional pressure. That said, it is not uncommon for a person to give in to coercion if you’re afraid the manipulation and pressure will escalate to physical aggression and violence.

Sexual coercion often happens in romantic relationships and first dates, but it can also happen in other contexts — between acquaintances, co-workers, friends or family, at school, at a party, or anywhere else.

What’s the difference between coercion and consent?

If you don’t really want to have sex but agree because you feel obligated or don’t want the other person to get mad, you aren’t consenting voluntarily.

Coercion happens when someone wants you to consent when you’ve already said no or otherwise expressed disinterest. They might use threats, persuasion, quilt tripping, pestering and other tactics to get the outcome they want.

In a relationship

Being in a relationship does not mean you give ongoing consent.

Everyone has the right to decide when they do and don’t want to have sex. Once you say no, your partner should respect that. Any threats, wheedles, guilt trips, or other persuasion intended to wear you down counts as coercion.

With that in mind, you might wonder if it’s coercion when a partner tells you how sexy you look in that outfit or gives you a sensual massage to try and get you in the mood.

Typically, the difference comes down to a few key factors:

• their intent
• whether you’ve already said no
• how they respond to your refusal

Pestering

Coercion is often as simple as repeated requests for sex.

This can happen with someone you’ve never slept with or even dated. They might text you constantly, begging for a chance, or show up at your work or school to convince you in person.

With Red Pill consumers the very basic tactic is this.

Get you alone, have the conversation looping around sex non-stop or with small breaks with minor distractions. They usually use all of the coercion tactics that are listed below. They usually create a scenario where it is difficult for you to get out. They invite themselves to your house and ”ups, my buss or train won´t go anymore” So, you as the target feel obligated to be a good person and let them stay the night. Or if they have you as a quest at their house, you feel obligated to stay for some reason. They will play with your common sense of decency and they will use that against you.

That’s the basic game. 

They are not interested in you, they are not interested in your emotions or wellbeing. Do understand that, they do not like you, they do not love you. They can be physically attracted to you at that moment, but please do not think that they actually care anything about you. 

They are on a mission and that mission is to make you comply to sex with them, without using physical force, if they can avoid it.

Many of these Red Pill people are from countries that have very different types or sexual criminal laws than Finland, other Scandinavian and some European countries have.

The concept of Sexual Coercion is not written to their Sexual crime laws.

Even in countries like Finland, proving Sexual Coercion in the court of law is difficult without evidence. Usually the case is word against word. In some cases there might be physical evidence to support the victims case, which is always better than none.

But more evidence is always better!

In cases like this, if you are on a date or  in a meeting for the first time and this starts to happen, if you have a phone, start to record the conversation without them knowing it. Let it run for a long time, so that you get enough evidence of coercion tactics used on you. Remember to keep the conversation normal and flowing, act like nothing is going on and your responses are clear and not to be mistaken for something else. While you are doing this, you must keep yourself safe and exit the situation, if it starts to feel too threatening, remember that you can always call the emergency services.

This relentless pestering can also happen in a relationship.

Perhaps you haven’t felt like sex recently because of physical health concerns, stress, or anything else.

Instead of asking how they can offer support, your partner asks many times a day “Do you think you’ll feel up to sex sometime today?”.

Or it can be non- consensual touching that usually ends only if you go and hide yourself in the bathroom. Words are not being heard and when / if you get angry you are blamed or ridiculed for that.

Guilt tripping

Guilt is another common coercion tactic.

Your feelings for someone can make you more vulnerable to guilt. You care for them, so you don’t want to hurt them, but they might take advantage of that.

For example:

• “I’ve been feeling so lonely. I really need you right now.”
• “We haven’t had sex in over a week, and it’s really difficult for me to go so long without.” ”Sex is a human right and you are denying me of that.”
• ” It is physically and mentally torturing me to go without sex, I need it to function”.
• “I can’t believe you don’t want to have sex on our anniversary. You must not really love me as much as you say you do.”

People can also make you feel guilty by spinning the situation to make it seem as if you’ve done something wrong:

• “You haven’t wanted to have sex much lately. You must be cheating. If you aren’t, then prove it by showing me you want me.”

Denying non-sexual intimacy

Even if you don’t feel like having sex, you might still want to connect by kissing, cuddling, talking, or relaxing together.

But they could try to pressure you into changing your mind about sex by treating you badly until you agree.

They might:

• get up abruptly or push you away
• complete silence / silent treatment ( effective form of a emotional abuse)
• make mocking or rude comments

Making you feel bad about yourself

Another common coercion tactic involves Negging.

They might try to attack your self-esteem when you turn them down, or act as if they’re doing you a favor by wanting to have sex with you.

For example:

• “Good luck finding someone else who wants to sleep with you.”
• “You should feel grateful I’m here with you. I could sleep with anyone, and you’d never know.”
• “You’re probably no good in bed anyway. No wonder you’re single.”
• ”You are too fat, nobody wants you, but I´ll make an exception this time”
• ”Disabled people usually don’t get much action, so you should take what you have been given and be thankfull”.

What to do in the moment

When you realize a partner, or anyone else, is trying to coerce you into sex, a good first step is to call them out, as long as you feel safe doing so. Be direct and firm.

You might say:

• “I said I don’t want to have sex. Trying to pressure me won’t make me change my mind.”
• “I’d like to hang out, but I’m not interested in having sex. Why don’t we go for a walk?”

If they won’t drop the issue, it’s a good idea to leave or call a trusted friend or family member.

If you are in a situation that you can not leave, start to record the conversation with your phone without the camera on, or with the camera on if they are not able to see it. This way, you will have evidence to show to the officials if need be.

If they get physical with you, remember that DNA samples are your best friend. If you are able, you can fight back or if you are too scared to do that or you are physically disabled, then prepare yourself mentally to go to the hospital to get the evidence off from you as soon as you can. Do not escalate the situation and do not put yourself in any harm.

Make the crime report with the hospital social worker. Or go to the police station and give your report there.

In Finland we have different NGO´s.

Naistenlinja, – Women’s helpline

Riku.fi – Victims of crimes helpline

Mieli ry

ensi ja turvakotien liitto – safe houses ngo.

What to do next

After someone pressures you into sex, your next steps are up to you.

Some things to consider: Coercion is assault, and you have every right to report this crime and press charges.

Your healthcare provider can give you an exam to test for std´s, offer emergency contraception, and collect evidence in case you choose to make a police report.

Taking charge of your recovery by seeking medical care can sometimes help you feel more in control of the situation while providing some peace of mind about your health.

Talking to your human resources department or school counseling services can be helpful when coercion happens at work or school.

If you’re experiencing ongoing coercion from a partner you want to maintain a relationship with, start by having a talk with them. Explain how their attempts to pressure you make you feel and tell them they must respect your boundaries for the relationship to continue.

Opening up to a trusted loved one can also help you get the emotional support and validation you need.

You can also seek counseling for

• compassionate guidance on next steps
• help creating a plan for safely leaving the relationship
• support for any emotional distress you might experience

To create this blog post I used Healthline.com

I used their content word for word and as an inspiration.

Thank you!